I've been meaning to start this blog for a long time. But life has got in the way, as it does when you have two very young children to keep alive!
I'm Rianna, I live in York with my husbeast, Nikki, and two offspring Beeb (2.5 years) and Toothless (6 months)
Right now I'm a stay-at-home-parent and, though a lonely existence at times, I enjoy it.
I think I've always suffered from social anxiety and, even though I'm constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone and improving every day, it's not going anywhere any time soon. I've almost accepted it a part of who I am. It is in fact a major thing for me to work on as I can already see it's effects on my 2.5 year old; he's initially shy in social situations and often needs one of us, led by the hand, to come with him as he scopes it out. Give him half an hour and he's happily playing on the swingset or slide with other children.
I had trouble making friends at a young age and I still do now. I don't want my children to have that trouble too. I want them to be confident and feel worthy of making friends. I want them to feel loved and happy wherever they are and whoever they're with.
I've found the last 2.5 years of mamahood to be both the loneliest and happiest of my life.That's not to say I don't have any friends; on the contrary, I have made the most amazing, special and deep friendships since becoming a mother. There's a certain kinship and solidarity that comes with connecting with other mothers. Even if you wouldn't ordinarily be friends pre-family, there's a thread of shared struggle there that you can hold on to and discuss whenever you need to feel that you aren't truly on your own and that others have exactly the same problems as you.
but most days I realise I haven't spoken to another adult all day and quickly ring my (child-free) twin sister to splurge out all my thoughts and feelings, grateful for someone I can talk to who isn't less than 3 feet high and only wants to talk about The Gruffalo.
You see, being a lonely mama isn't actually that bad. Every parent has felt utterly alone at some point in their journey, even if only momentarily. Be it at 3am feeding a fussy baby while the rest of the house sleeps or at the school drop off, literally throwing the kids out of the car on your way to work and all your other parent friends are at the gates chatting as they have the opportunity and privilege of being stay-at-home-parents.
We've all been there.
The only things I know for certain are my own experiences. I try to be an inclusive feminist in my waking hours and, as is the same for everybody,I am always learning and striving to do better.
So bear with me as I stretch out my new voice. In the words of Maya Angelou, someone you should all know the name of; "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."